it’s been a while since i posted, so i thought i would check in. things have been going pretty good, and i’m definitely feeling a lot closer to normal. jon and i have been keeping busy with the Burning Crusade. we’re half way to level 64! yes, we are geeks, i never pretended otherwise. i’ve also been feeling a lot better physically, and i can help out around the house again. the apartment is clean! the dishes are done! it feels good to be functional again. now if i could just get rid of these stretch marks…

i feel like every day i feel more comfortable with our decision to place georgia for adoption. jon and i will do something, like decide to go out to dinner last minute, or play warcraft for four hours straight, and i think about not being able to do those things if we had a four week old infant. we’re getting a package from her adoptive parents tomorrow, with a video and pictures. it’ll be good to get an update and see how she’s doing. i’m really glad we chose and open adoption, because every letter and picture just reaffirms that we made the right decision.

in other news, it’s back to work for me soon. it’s going to be hard to adjust! i haven’t worked since sometime around thanksgiving, and i’ve definitely slipped into my old sleep schedule (as you can tell by me posting at almost 4 am!). oh well, it will be good to have some structure to my day again. at least, that’s what i keep telling myself ;) and an income! money is good.

off to bed now, i’ll probably be posting pics again tomorrow.

today’s been quite a positive day. it’s definitely going to be ups and downs for a while, but i feel like i’m slowly getting towards more ups. my adoption counselor came by today, and we had a really beneficial discussion. i’ve been feeling really down about myself, that i’m not able to parent georgia. i’ve also been worried about the future, whether georgia is going to be able to understand why we couldn’t parent her, and whether she’s going to feel negatively or positively about jon and i as her birth parents. my counselor said that if she asked all her birth parents what their one fear was, that would be it. it feels good to know that i’m not alone in that. she was also very reassuring about the way children in open adoptions feel about their birth parents. to sum it up, we’re never the ones who present negative things to them. we’re never the ones who tell them they can’t do something they want to do, or have something they want to have. we’re around at happy times, bringing presents and doing fun activities. they tend to have an almost romanticized opinion of their birth parents. it made me feel a lot less worried to hear that.

jon and i have also had a lot of fun playing with our new wii! my aunt linda got it for me, because she knew i would need something to keep me occupied during my recovery. it was such a relief to get into a video game (seems boxing is my favorite right now) and just let my mind and the constant chatter in it slip away for a little bit. and it’s great to spend time together with jon as well. he’s been playing zelda, and we got raving rabbids as well but have yet to try it out. if you’ve been thinking about getting one i highly recommend it! wii sports is loads of fun, because it’s so easy to do. i wonder if some day they will have ankle straps so they can get all four limbs in action, that would be awesome!

we had grilled cheese for dinner tonight, and i was feeling artsy. here’s my new desktop:

you can get the larger (1280 pix. wide) versions here:

http://ishtar6168.pixelcase.net/baking/GC_narrow.jpg (as above)

http://ishtar6168.pixelcase.net/baking/grilled_cheese.jpg (nearly full screen)

i made a flickr album of baby photos. you can view it by clicking the link here:

Georgia

i think i’m going to fiddle around (or bug jon) and get that flickr side bar thingy on the blog. i’ve never used flickr before, since jon has a website for photo hosting, but maybe i’ll get into it because of the sharing aspects.

*edit* woot! jon did it :D

*edit the second* i’ve made some of the pictures private in order to share the set with my family (they don’t know the adoptive parents, and for everyone’s privacy it’s probably going to stay that way). if you have a flickr account and would like to see all the pics, let me know and i’ll add you as a friend

thank you liz and tim, they’re beautiful! what a wonderful way to brighten a rainy day. how did you know calla lilies are my favorite flowers?

today’s been a pretty good day. i slept really well the night before (i’m typing this at 5 am, so i’m talking about wednesday, even though it’s thursday technically). jon and i both had a breakdown together, and it felt really good to have him there with me. well, he’s always there with me, but he was going through it at the same time, and we could hold each other and i felt less alone than i have in a while. it made me want to talk about the most positive thing that has happened through this whole process, which is how close it’s brought jon and i.

it’s been amazing to see him throughout this. i always knew that whatever the world threw at us, he’d be there for me. it’s totally different to know something emotionally and to see it actually happen. he was there when i was cranky and wanted a back rub. he was there when i couldn’t reach my feet anymore and needed someone to put my shoes and socks on. he was there through 24 hours of labor, never complaining that because i got two hours of sleep, he got two hours of sleep. he killed his back leaning over me for almost an hour on the operating table, so i could see his face and be reassured that everything was going to be ok. he held a basin next to my head while i puked up what was later described as “green scrambled eggs” when my blood pressure dropped a few times in surgery. he wiped my face off and told me i was doing great. he never complained when i woke him up almost every two hours (sometimes more) every night at the hospital, whether it was to cry on him, or to get me more water, or help me to the bathroom, or any other of the million things my brain cooked up so that i could see his face and hear his voice and get through one more lonely hour. i have never felt so loved in my life, and it’s that love and support that will ultimately get us through this, together.

i miss her so much it hurts sometimes, almost a physical empty ache. i don’t feel this in a “i wish i hadn’t let her go” way, rather in a “i wish there had been more time” way. i wish i could just rub her little button nose again. or see her “pirate” face, when it was just too much effort to open both eyes at once and we’d make little “argh” noises at her. i never fed her, and i wish i had now. i just didn’t even think to do it. just one more rub on her soft little cheek, or peach fuzzy head. i want to see her trying to cram both fists in her mouth at one time, then get frustrated when she only manages a finger and thumb. it’s just the little things that add up to one big ache that i don’t know what to do with.

i find myself looking at her pictures because i know it’s going to upset me. i pick up her binky and look at the little dried bits of formula on it, fully knowing it’s going to make me a mess. i’m never going to wash off those little bits of formula. when i see them, i can see the little white drips running down her tiny little chin (just like her dad’s) and every once in a while it makes me smile through the tears.

Georgia Denise, born 11:23 pm, 12/29/06. 6 lb 15 oz, 19 inches long.

isn’t she the most beautiful baby ever? don’t worry, i haven’t been replaced by a pod person, i just surprised myself by falling in love with my daughter :) she’s home with her adoptive family now, and i’m still happy with my decision, but the process has been a lot more emotional than i expected. i really bonded to her, and i’m glad that i have that connection now.

as far as the birth…things definitely did not go as planned. i had 24+ hours of induced labor, and at the end of it all i had not dilated more than one cm. i was basically wiped and couldn’t go any further, and my midwife knew it. we opted to go with a c-section at that point, because even if i tried to stick it out a few more hours on a very strong level of pitocin, i would not have had anything left for delivery. then, while sitting on the birthing ball waiting for the wheelchair to take me to the operating suite, my water broke! it’s insane how much fluid there is, i was gushing all over the place, and laughing at the irony which made it gush more. the water breaking was really miserable, because my contractions were really intense after that, and i was trying to sit absolutely still through them in order to get the spinal for the CS. the anesthesiologist had to give it at least five tries before he got the right spot (i was also shaking from how cold the OR was, and crying my eyes out from exhaustion, disappointment, fear, etc.) but finally things got started and she was born at 11:23 pm on December 29th. she was 6 lb 15 oz, and probably would have been 7 lb if she hadn’t pissed all over the nurses while they were cleaning her off :D she’s perfect in every way.

the birth didn’t go the way i had planned, but i’m satisfied with it. we gave it the best we could, considering the medical need for induction, and both Georgia and i are healthy. i’ve been recovering really well, and physically i am feeling much better than i was expecting. i just got home this afternoon, and i’m incredibly glad they released me a day early. i hate being in the hospital. i couldn’t sleep for shit, even with pain medicine and a sleeping pill every night. add to that post partum depression (it really kicked in after Georgia went home on sunday afternoon), and i was a freaking wreck. i needed to get up and get moving around to keep myself comfortable and healing, but the only place to go was past the nursery full of babies that made me cry. once i got back in my room i would get calmed down, and somewhere nearby a baby would start crying and it would set me off again. i don’t want to pretend i’m not having these emotions, but i need to deal with them on my own time. being forced to deal with it because of what was going on around me was just wiping me out.

i was definitely surprised by how much i bonded with her. i just wasn’t expecting to feel like what i did. it definitely makes a difference when the baby is yours. it was so nice to get to hold her and talk to her, i’m very glad i gave myself that opportunity. it’s making the grieving process a lot easier to have those memories. we took over 200 photos as well, and kept a bunch of mementos from the hospital. i think the hardest part is truly being alone now. for the past several months i was never really by myself, even if there wasn’t another person in the same building as me. now there’s no one kicking me, or rolling around, or having hiccups. it’s going to take a lot of getting used to. night times were really hard at the hospital when jon would go to sleep. he slept on a cot a few feet away, but i couldn’t see him from my bed, and i wasn’t feeling the same sense of companionship as when he’s in our bed at home with me. i did a lot of crying at night, or in the mornings when he wasn’t up yet. it’s ok though. i know that i need to deal with what i’m feeling and not try and pretend it’s not there.

it was also incredibly reassuring to have the adoptive parents there. they came while i was in labor to support me, and were there when she was born. they got to hold her right away and start the bonding process, which was really important to me. they also spent almost all day the next two days in my room with Georgia, and it was so wonderful to see them interacting with her, and know just by looking at them how much they already loved her. they were so wonderful to both Jon and i, and i’m grateful to them for making it such a positive experience. they always put my needs first, and that meant a lot.

ok, i think that’s enough for now. i may be making quite a few posts about this experience, and my emotions as things go on. i have a feeling writing everything down and being able to go back to it is really going to be beneficial to me. thank you to everyone who sent me such warm wishes, it meant a lot to know that there were people thinking about me. happy new year to everyone!